Almost 40

9 days until I turn 40 and I am sitting here at 6 in the morning, coffee by my side, wearing my workout outfit, because if I put them on right out of bed, I am more likely to workout. I am staring up the blue sky, ocean on the horizon way off in the distance. The mountain here at my home in Costa Rica, is lit up by the sun displaying a million different shades of green.

My heart is beating slowing almost as though it’s matching Gaia’s. My mind is clear, without any stories going on. The breeze is cool as dragonflies and birds dance in the air in front me. Although I have always know that I would in fact been sitting here one day, never, in my wildest dreams did I realize how truthfully beautiful life in my meatsuit could feel. Not because of wishing or wanting, but because I let it all go. I gave myself permission to just be, to stop trying, stop striving, stop wanting and simply allowed myself to completely unfold. Watching as fears and emotions bubbled forward, I taught myself slowly how to be transparent and vulnerable, a journey that has no end. It has softened me and erased the girl within that was always trying so damn hard to make life feel worth living.  

In 2009, an event that I will share with you later, changed the knowing-ness within me. It was that year that a was told during a deep meditation that at 40 I would have it all. I am 9 days away from 40 and anyone looking in from the outside would possibly laugh at that. I don’t own a single thing, not a car, not a house, not even furniture. I have a suitcase full clothes, but let me share with you I really do have it all. There is not a single void in my life. If you had asked me that last week, I would have been able to rhyme off a very very small list of things I thought I still needed. This week with Mercury going direct, and having a full “meltdown” which included me crying for several straight for no reason, I found something. It is as if the tears uncovered and melted away the veil I was still looking through.

This journey here in Costa Rica has been quite the adventure. Everyday I am presented with a new opportunity to shed a piece of myself that isn’t serving me. It started with wearing no shoes, then no bra, then no makeup and then walking around in a simple tank and booty shorts, driving to the store or the beach barefoot with sand constantly between my toes. A true no fuck’s given lifestyle. Life is at slower pace here, no one is trying to outdo their neighbours, nor display their bodies in a more fashionable way. It’s hot AF always, there are large insects, lizards or monkeys in every corner. It’s a life that is just simple, raw, real and beautifully intertwined living and co-existing submerged in nature.

This week, with my birthday approaching as well a Christmas, I was asked what I wanted. My answer;

I have everything I need.

I want nothing except the experience of blasting my favourite tunes, cooking dinner with raw ingredients while singing and dancing with friends like nobody's watching. Along with love messages from my closet peeps, and that’s it, that’s all I need.

I want the peace, the joy, the freedom I am experiencing like a wild fire consuming me within, to come pouring out through my human experience and express itself through laughter. I don’t want “things”. They no longer hold a space for me. I don’t want to stuff my room, my mind or body with “stuff or things”. I am filled to the brim with universal flow, love, freedom, peace and the calm force of a storm. No object or thing could ever compare to that.

This incredible journey that started on Dec 21st, 1978 with the first time oxygen entered my lungs, has had its moments. There has been times where it felt far too heavy to endure, times where the fear and tears were so thick I couldn’t see through or beyond them. There has been moments of passion where my body and mind where set on fire. There has been deep consuming lust and love, raw mind blowing sex, deep conversations and connections that allowed time to stop, equally matched by hurt, rape, screaming matches that left my throat raw, and overwhelming depressive thoughts that made me want to end it all. But here I am about to be 40 knowing now, how to allow it all.

I am beyond blessed to be way out of the comfort zone I held onto for so many years. I am surrounded with souls that match me, my soul tribe, love that flows so freely without expectation, admiration that flows from my heart and eyes only to be fully mirrored back to me. A new partner that somehow makes my meatsuit smile non stop and my emotions burst through with full transparency, allowing me to enjoy fully be-ing this human experience all while being unattached to any forward thinking, stories or needs. My meatsuit has fully healed itself, dropping away all habits that weren’t serving it, watching as the extra pounds melt off and it continues to move and display itself with loving peace. Unable to really put this into words, I can only explain it as this:

I have become her, him, you, love. All of it flowing through me, for me, with me. I Am the physical manifestation of light, dark and all that is in between.

I am, no label, no thought, no desire. I am nothing and yet the entire universe. I am the reflection of all that is, I am experiencing life itself, the divine through me, with me, for me, through you, with you.

A soul set on fire with your reflection instead of flames.

The beautiful truth, I have no idea what’s next and I don’t care to.

I know my soul sister and daughter are coming here to CR in January, I know I head home to visit in February followed by a week with the man who reflects me fully.

I know March I am back here hopefully with most of you for our Find your Freedom Retreat and then … I know that nothing is yet to exist. All there is, is this, right here, the now. In this, I fully surrender, allowing the force within to continue to flow freely, washing a smile over my face, allowing me to open my arms to the sky, heart to the vibes and allowing my soul float as the air and space connecting us all.

At 40, I truly have it all. My chosen path here, is take you as far I have gotten. Join me, together we can be just as surprised as I am on what’s next. This retreat becoming, the journey unfolding, a love blossoming and the gap between it all being where we can together reside.

With my hands on my hips, from my core chakra like a care bear stare, I send you love.

Until next time,

Pause and let be baby.

Love you. Madly.

Christine